Still messed up~

How am I suppose to feel ? Is everything between us getting better ? Are we trying to solve our problems or are we just talking bout them ?

Had a good sleep last night,probably becos of what he said before he asked me to sleep.Don't know if its just words to make me go to sleep or does he really meant what he said.

Still stuck between reality and fantasy or am I just day dreaming ? =/ I'm trying to read between the lines.Its more than trust and more than the people around us.Beside those two,I think its becos of our attitude...

How could we leave out something we needed so much,something so so important - trust. Like you said,there goes nothing again becos we never believed,we just couldn't trust.

~ Would it help if I turn a sad song on now?

~ "All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone.

At least I get to do what I wanted to do,to frame our picture up =)

Stepping into that house brings more than memory,the feeling was awkward so is the atmosphere.I had a glanced at him,didn't dare to steal another glance,afraid I'll not be able to draw the damn line.


I don't know if its him or Auntie Jann that made me realise it'll be fine if we're not a couple,
at least we're still on talking terms..Too much on my mind just now,nervousness took over me.
Wanted very much to get out of that house immediately but was forced to stay for dinner by Auntie Jann.I'm glad I resisted the temptation of grabbing a hug from him before I go...

And then once again,I don't know anything anymore.Can't get anymore answers to my guesses,
am too tired to hang on becos it seems like its not gonna work out anymore.Been thinking of ways to deal with our problems IF we're gonna be tgt again,but then again,its just an IF that will never happen..

I don't wna drag our memories everywhere I go anymore.I need a life,a real life to live in. Am too tired of chasing my fantasy.Am not begging him to trust me,I just need an answer,at least tell me if I'm still gonna be a part of you.

Can't help but to hate myself,for being so gundu.Like he always call me,I guess I am really one.
I start thinking only after big things like this happens.Sometimes the things he says makes sense but only if he could see how much my words makes sense too..


~ Stay Close, Don't Go .

I figure why I didn't get my sleep again last night,I had too much things on my mind.Mainly is becos of the truth why I couldn't try to understand him at all.Or maybe at the least try to put myself in his shoes.

Seeing that what happened after that case,everyone's sorta blaming him for whatever I've done.Yes,whatever I'VE done.I don't know,I just feel the people around me played a part in this final break up..Am not trying to push the blame to them but I still love them as much as I used to.

I tried to think last night,I didn't want to cos I know I need my sleep.If not I would break down sooner or later becos I'm starving now,my stomach's hurting again ='( and I'm gonna be late if I'm gonna grab a bread to school becos I really need to have this all down,at least someone out there is listening to my crap.

Just putting myself in his shoes makes my heart feels tighter.I don't know why I get the feeling but its true,the feeling is unbearable.To think that he actually been smiling all the time,I really didn't know the sorrow that he kept deep down inside.

Am gonna be late for school soon so bye,till then you'll still be on my mind,my heart.

I'm so tired..So tired to do everything,much less going to school.Mummy need a break from all the stress she's been taking,if not for her I would have skipped school today.I don't wna see anymore of the people around me hurt becos of me.

I'm already too sorry for what I've done to PB.It might just be a misunderstanding or excuses/explaination that he never wanna accept but if he trusted me.All I'm asking is for him to believe me,at least believe me becos I'm your sweetheart and not Jermaine.

I don't know what to do anymore,I've been through this before but I'm still clueless.It seems real this time.I don't know if this time apart again is for me to grow up,or for me to think,or a break for us.What is it ? At least give me a lil hint,if there's still a lil chance for us...

I sound so pathetic,maybe I am.Im left with 3 hours to sleep,I've got no idea how I'm gonna pull myself out of bed,been missing my sleep last night and this afternoon.I really need to rest my teary eyes.

Does it hurt when you think of me ?

Does it hurt when we know we're still in love,but yet we can't do anything at all becos everytime we start to talk,it'd never be a happy one.

Does it hurt when you've got no one to hug to sleep?

Does it hurt you all around,so hurting that whenever you wake up you still feel your heart bleeding,still in bits and pieces ?

Have you ever felt so numb,mentally and physically ?

Have you ever felt like getting it all back,right to the very start ?

Have you ever felt so useless,so sorry,so so angry with yourself ?

Well,thats what I've been feeling.I need someone,someone who understands what we're going through.I've enough of all the "its time to let go" . I don't want to give it ALL up like that,I know theres something I can do..I don't wna sit here just wasting my time off crying over spilt milk.

I don't wna go anywhere,I dont even wna step out of this house,its hurting so bad inside.I hate going to school,I hate the blocks,I hate the door that I'll never be able to step into,ever again.

I hate this life I'm living,the first ever boyfriend I loved so much went totally nuts.I know I'm all to blame but fuck,I went to far.Just like how deep I fell into your arms the first day we got tgt.

I don't really understand why God can't spare us from all this torture.I've learnt my lesson once,
I've cherished and now its hurting more than it could ever hurt.

I hate you to talk,to even open your mouth.You don't get it,I am not the type of girl you think I am.

I'm done crying but my body still feels numb,I dont wna cry but the tears still flows like the fucking river.

PS:I'm not getting over you until you stop loving me.

Just when I wanted....

to frame our picture up,
to light the candles,
to be in your arms,
to tell you I love you...


Just when all this started,
I wished it never would.
And then again,who is to blame ?


Both ? or just me ? I said my piece,I'm sorry and thankful for whatever you do,really.
Now that it's all said and done,we're over,we're through,what more ?

Thanks for all the love,all the hugs and kisses that you've given willingly.Thanks for treating me like your one and only baby,like the only princess in the world.Thanks for spending all your time with me doing silly things.Thanks for falling for me,thanks for being that I never get tired of seeing.Thanks for being my one and only Prettyboy.

Goodbye,my love.

After a year of staying in dear's house,I finally love the way his room is.It is so spacious,so cosy & much more better than the previous room.

At first,I was agaisnt the idea of changing the room becos I thought it was a bad idea.He had to do so much changes but after two hours of hard work on Saturday night,we managed to do a great job =D And I hope darling will keep the room the way it is now.

For school,I've been absent from school for many days,I still feel a lil lil nauseous at times.Had headaches for a few days already but I am still afraid to pop the bloody pills into my mouth

Had dinner just now,a treat from kongkum & jason becos its Joel's bday.The food is great so is the bill.Everyone around me is enjoying themselves,seeing them so happy brings a smile to my lil face.Dear didn't come along becos it was a last minute thing...

And now I hate him for being angry over such small matter.Its not my fault that he off his phone,its also not my bloody fault that he hung up the house phone,neither is it my fucking fault that he didn't go down to see the note that Auntie Pam wrote.I don't even have a way to get to him so I msged Auntie Pam to tell him that I'll not be back so early becos I'm having a dinner with my family.Straight after I stepped into the room,he gave me a f attitude can.Damn fucking pissssss and am still damn piss lor.

My grandma is a pain in my fucking ass,one of the biggest reason why I hate and fear of coming home.

Bloody idiot,she may be treating me well,feeding me with lots of food everytime I come home but she should at least leave a lil respect for my boyfriend or the least ME.

She just pissed my boyfriend off a few hours ago and I think she gone cracko the minute she saw him.Why in the world she have to say such hurting things.My grandma herself wasn't born perfect at all,I mean like everyone isn't perfect at all.Well,maybe God but I am just hoping my grandma will stop scolding me for bringing him home when Mummy didn't even utter a word at all.

She have all the right I know but she don't exactly rule this house rules(FYI-there are no rules in this house,not at all),maybe she just rule the kitchen in the house but now,I don't think she deserve the respect from me anymore,not in the future.Until she learn to respect both me and my boyfriend.

Pictures from my photoshoot..All my favourtite pictures,will post the others next time ..

Where has my innocence gone to ?

I don't wna look foward to valentine anymore.Everything was as screwed as I expected it to be.
I started off the year with a bad start.New year,CNY and now valentine =.=

Why on that very special day he had to raise his voice at me,why he had to be mad,why he had to leave me there alone.I tried to read between the lines,was it me that was causing so much trouble to ourselves ?

Was admitted to the hospital on the 15th.Reason confidential,can try asking me personally.
The first night was put on drip until the second day,boths days were spent in the CCU and I can't get to sleep becos of all the machines beeping all around me zzz And the drip played a part too becos of the medicine running through my veins and body.I can't believe how I managed to past the night with the time crawling so slowly.After a few hours gone by,I saw a familiar body frame and then I realised,right in front of me was the boy I had been missing for the whole night.

Dear bought two lovely bears from me from "build a bear" as a gift for valentine and he promised to go get the clothes for the bear after we save enough for it =D The bears spent the whole 3 nights with me,staring at me with those innocent eyes.

Star came to visit me too,she brought along a cute lil monkey becos someone claimed I look like one.She gave me a balloon on the second day,so sweet of her.Anyways,thanks to those who came and those who wanted to come.

I'm feeling better now,definately much more than the first few nights.Been missing the honeydew from the hospital becos its so damn sweet lol.I'm gonna try to eat more becos I've lost a kg after all the vomitting and they bloody hell draw my blood for 4 times =.= zzzz

Now you guys shld know why I've been away from my blog for so many days..

TO BE CONTINUED....

Pictures =D

Playing around with darling's beanie,trying to act like a cancer patient =.=
Lovely bears right ? =DD
A make over for my bears from darling.
Transfering me to the ward.

I can't stand daryl ong wei liang.He makes me damn fucking sick man,fuck.

Ask me to sit here and hear you snoar on fucking valentine's day ? And you've not tell me any of your plans yet other than meeting kasar.

It'll be fully packed with people if you're gonna eat at some restaraunts.Unless you're fucking gonna bring me to a kopitiam to eat on this special day.And if we're gonna cacth a movie which you promised after cny and tmr you're going back then you shld know very well that the seats would be fucking book.AT LEAST TELL ME SOMETHING,NOT JUST LIE THERE AND ASK FOR 30MINS AND ANOTHER 30MINS AND ANOTHER 30MINS MORE OF SLEEP.

You wasted half of my day off and now you wna know why I'm so frustrated ? Becos you asked me to prepare at 3pm and until now FIVE FIFTY FIVE PM,you are still sleeeeeping !! I HOPE YOU ROT IN YOUR DREAMS LOR!

ROARRR ! I don't know where to vent my anger on man ! I'M STILL SO DAMN BLOODY PISSEDDDDDDDDD ! FUCKING HELL MAN !!!

Just before the clock strikes twelve,I wna wish all the lonely girls out there a Happy lonely valentine's day,lol.Just joking.

Every couple out there shld know whats the day tmr and for me,its more of a special day becos of my one year with him.Like I said,I'm not excited at all,I just keep reminding myself its my one year becos I always tend to forget my monthsary.

Last year's valentine was a very meaningful one,though it was spent at his house and dinner at a coffeeshop,I still think it is very meaningful becos we were as sweet as the honey.

This year is a little different,maybe alot more different becos I'm spending the night before my one year in Auntie Pam's room,fucking pathetic bitch I am.Fucking ruined my day already. Thought daryl would cuddle with me on his bed watching a movie with candles or smthn but hell man,he's playing CS with kasar.I'm not mad,I'm not mad.I'm just pissed with him for not thinking of me.

This is a memorable picture.It shows how much the both of us have changed in a short period of time.His long fringe is gone and my short hair has become long - thats not the problem actually.Its the love that I'm talking about.Has it actually changed ? Probably I'm thinking too much.

Ok,its 14th Feb now but it just doesn't feel the same like that day.The way he held my hand,the way he held me in his arms,the way he whispered into my ears how much he wna be with me.

Am just gonna wait here for him to come in to wish me but even before he could remember I even existed,I'm already asleep becos I'm feeling so drowsy becos of my medecine.

I didn't get anything for him,nothing at all.Maybe a kiss would be enough becos my kiss is priceless one lor.Lol.I didn't intend to get one too zzzz I'll feel damn bad if he gets me something but I doubt he would lol becos I've been with him for 24hours a day.Which meant I know what he does everyday lol.

Nights to all of you,Happy Valentine's Day.

After a month,I finally decided to attend my very first P.E lesson in YYSS.Lol.Isn't that bad after all luhs.Very much different from KRSS becos KR PE teachers make us pant like dog after the PE,lols.

Anyways,we did some stupid exercise today and its damn hilarious can.The last exercise was damn dangerous,one of your partner will bend down 90degrees and the other partner would have to jump over her/him.I didn't attempt to that exercise,bloody dangerous.

After P.E,we were supposed to greet him,so the students went "Thank You Mr Lawrence,Goodbye Mr Lawrence,See you Mr Lawrence................".Then I got chocked with the last sentence.The students said,"We love you Mr Lawrence..".So I asked one of the girls whats up with that last sentence and Mr Lawrence actually asked them to say that,lol.Fucking wierd teachers.

Valentine's day is around the corner and so is my one year with darling.(same day)................
Can't wait to go out with him ! =D But it doesn't really excites me anymore,one monthsary,two monthsary,three monthsary...............now its the 12 monthsary so like its the same lor.zzz

Like I said I would blog bout the luxurious house,here it is.Pictures and captions,everything you wanna know.You will know what luxurious mean after you see the pictures.

Oh and the house is very diferent from other houses,thats why I love it double much ! On the first floor,its the living room and if you go another floor higher,its the balcony.

If you're on the first floor and you walk down the stairs,its the kitchen and then down somemore are the rooms.Get what I mean? Its like B1,B2,B3.Not level 1,2,3.

Nvm,take a look at the pictures first if you don't get what I mean.

This is the doorstep to the house.

Living room
Screen with the projector behind me.
Dining room.
Taken from opposite side of the house.
Make your best guess and guess what is behind this door.

Its like damn obvious.(don't look at the reflection,try to see more into it)

This is the chiller room,as you can see,its all filled with wine inside.

Visitor's toilet.
Here is the balcony.
Scary scary staircase. The SO-DAMN-COOL lift.
Inside of the lift.

Now you get what I meant ? Lol,isn't this everyone's dream house ?

This year's total sum of money from the red packet is so damn pathetic,not counting the ones from dear's side.The largest packet I receieved is from Uncle yaya - 50buckssss =D And the least is obviously 2 bucks only.But really can't blame it on the adults,economic is that bad,I can understand becos my dad gave us much more lesser than he usually gives.

Have not been blogging for the past few days becos I was busy with my new year clothes,went shopping with my 2nd sis.Spent all the money my mum and dad gave,almost 320bucks zzzz.

Anyways,I'm very contended with my buys and I didn't regret buying any of them becos I usually do =.=

Had another round of reunion dinner at home and dear came too =DD After mine,we went over to his at Auntie Yvonne's house.It was more homely(is that sucha word?) there,probably becos there were kids to spice up the atmosphere.

The next day which is new year was spent in my grandma's house.We were one of the fews who reached there earlier so me and my sisters toured around the new house.The house is so damn cooooool can,its like a house that I'll never be able to live in for the rest of my life,provided I marry to a rich man ! Haha.

Anyways...if you wanna know how luxurious the house is then come back and see the pictures =D I'll stop here and I have some pictures,finally I should say,lol.

What I wore for the first day of new year.

Shopping.